experienceandpatience

They're at least going to get a coffee or tea at the mall -- there should be a place. Maybe not quite fancy though. It will do.

If the next question catches him off guard, Zemo doesn't try to show it. There's a curious tilt to his head. "As a woman, you mean?"

'Like this' could hold quite a few implications, considering the nature of their talks over this meal. But going with the easiest assumption-- "The thought crossed my mind that perhaps you wouldn't."

And could he blame him? It's a rather... big change. "I'd rather you like me, all things considered."

"I don't know. I..." Bucky does that thing with his mouth again, whenever he's uncertain. Chews his bottom lip, licks nervously, averts his gaze, tries to glimpse, looks away again, more nervous flicks of the tip of his tongue--

"As a woman, yes. I just--" This is going to be something Zemo will complain is old fashioned, which is why Bucky is hesitant to speak his mind.

"I fffeel like I just know what I'm supposed to do. If I'm your husband. And you're my wife." Which is not to say that he normally doesn't know what he's doing or trying to absolve himself of any responsibility and just let Zemo drive everything. But they've always had such a hard time defining what they are to each other, what they mean to each other, the lengths they would go to maintain this untenable relationship, it just--

It's so much simpler to Bucky if they fit in these neat little predefined boxes that other people have laid out the ground rules for over the generations that have come before them.

There's going to be old fashioned notions in a man who's over a hundred years old, he supposes. Especially one who has been on ice for large portions of it. It always shows itself in stark, surprising ways, Zemo's noticed. Notions he may expect from Oeznik or older generations coming from young appearing lips.

Sometimes it's amusing, sometimes it's annoying. Zemo isn't certain how to feel about this. He can at least-- understand somewhat. It had been so much easier with his wife to settle into a relationship, to be the loving husband and happy family man. He isn't quite certain it's to do with predefined roles or expectations, or simply the fact he hadn't known loss quite like he does now.

Putting time and love and dedication into someone else only to be left alone at the end with all the could have been's and guilt sitting heavy on his shoulders nearly killed him once.

Either way-- "Our vows were the same, as your wife or your husband. All those pretty little promises like to love and cherish until death parts us."

Does it really make it so much easier if Zemo is a woman? Perhaps it does. At least there's no outright complaining or judgement, just that same curiosity. "What are you supposed to do, James? Out of curiosity."

Bucky just shrugs at that, the way he gets uncomfortable about talking while poking at his pasta, twirling some of it in his fork with no intention of eating it just yet, letting the strands slide and fall away as he turns the fork the other direction now.

"I'm supposed to protect you." And he will, either way. He will do all the husbandly things either way, and not necessarily because they got married either. They were just-- always like this even before Zemo put a ring on it.

"I'll drive you everywhere and, get you nice things and-- I'll hold you anywhere, anytime, especially if you're not feeling well or feeling cold or. Broke a heel, maybe? I don't know." Bucky shrugs again. Zemo doesn't always appreciate being coddled and Bucky doesn't know what he's supposed or allowed to do with a husband. "Maybe you'll just. Let me do things for you without biting my head off."

That's actually... very sweet. And not in the taunting way he's used it in the past when Bucky has bought him more time from Wakandans or stood in front of him when he's said one word too many and a fight's broken out because of it.

As sweet as it is, it's also caught him a bit off guard in the way that only Bucky seems able, somehow worming under every preconceived notion Zemo has of him and reminding him that he doesn't quite know everything the way that he tends to in other situations. It's never the sort of being proven wrong that makes him angry though, never disappoints him.

"James," he starts quietly, a smile twitching at his lips that's more sincere than usual. His hand creeps across the table to cover Bucky's, even if it's the vibranium one.

"You must have been quite the charmer back in your day." At least he's doing a fair job of making Zemo nearly swoon in ways he hasn't in a very long time.

"I'll certainly make an effort to be better tempered. I-- want to take care of you as well, James. I want to give you nice things and I want to show you new experiences. After everything, I think you deserve kindness."

Particularly when Zemo hadn't shown any at all in the beginning. He probably doesn't show it all the time now either, not the way he should. "When we first left together, none of this was... what I planned on. I've felt like a dead man walking for so long, it was unsettling when that started to change, when I realized I didn't want to die if it meant leaving you alone. Part of me felt-- guilty for it as well."

And he still does, on some level. It feels like letting his family down all over again in a way he can at least recognize isn't rational. "Being in love with my wife had been easy. It hadn't come with the same worries because I was foolish enough to think I could protect her from anything. I know better than that now. So being in love with you... I find myself often wondering when and how it will end, and if you'll be fine at the end of it all. But that isn't any way to live, is it?"

Waiting for the other shoe to drop, always expecting the worse. Although admitting to anything like love so plainly may have cemented awkwardness happening. They don't use that word. "I'd rather be happy with whatever time we do have."

A pause. "And I think I'd like to get the check soon. The table between us is posing a bit of a problem at the moment." He'd maybe like to take Bucky up on that being held offer, that's all.

He wasn't necessarily sweet, back in the day. He was social, outgoing, loved the parties, enjoyed the company, but he never really thought about finding the one girl he could settle down with. That was always going to be something that would happen after the war. After the war, when he came home, and then he could worry about a stable job, a stable marriage, a stable home. Until then, there was no need to make any commitments, no need for sappy promises.

Well, after the war never happened, but this is still familiar to him. This is what he was supposed to do, according to-- well, everyone. His vibranium hand reacts almost as if he could feel Zemo's touch, fingers lifting off the surface of the table before drumming back down again. To be fair, Zemo has been far more even-tempered than Bucky has. Maybe he's just better at internalising his frustrations, and somehow Bucky thinks that's something to aspire to. At least, he thinks it's better than being mercurial, prone to snapping. Although he doesn't make a habit of pushing Zemo's buttons to see exactly how much he can annoy him before making him snap, so, maybe Bucky's not all to blame for being unable to rein those occasional outbursts in.

He doesn't think he deserves any nice things, but there's something about the promise of it, that there's so much more to life than what he's seen and done over these past few years that makes him feel a little optimistic in ways that he is quick to try and quash down in case they never come to fruition.

"You've always kept your cool, dealt with everything by yourself. Even if-- we weren't married, you can. Talk to me, you know." But now that they are married, that's even more reason to talk. "I mean, you talk a lot, but. You don't say much, in the end." Even if it looks like Bucky is just glaring at him or staring off into the distance, even if he doesn't have any advice to give or replies with nothing more than a grunt, he is listening. He's always listening, analysing, internalising, processing. Maybe one day he'll get better with the output side of things.

At least, better enough to not feel awkward about the 'L' word. While he certainly hopes that Zemo doesn't think of him as just some kind of burden to look after, the L word is dangerous territory. Even if it's expected for the L word to come up often in a marriage.

"I can't-- let my guard down." He's accepted that he will never be able to be in a headspace that is so comfortable and safe that he won't double-check if doors are locked or visually check the windows and doors twice a minute. There's nothing anyone can do about that. "And I don't know, what will happen, when that time is up. But I can... let you in, more." As in, willingly, and not Zemo trying to brute force his way inside Bucky's head and make himself comfortable.

And, yes. He can also finish his pasta and let Zemo get the check so they can leave soon.

"My wife used to complain about that as well, you know. Not opening up, not talking... I'm afraid it only grew to be more of a habit in solitary. Most didn't care to hear me talk at all, regardless of the topic. Sometimes I spoke regardless, just to keep some semblance of sanity, but never about anything others could use against me." A pause before he gives a shrug of his shoulders.

"Not that I think you would, or that my wife would have. They're still habits, and I can do better in the future." Or try, at least. He can't make more promises than that.

He nods at the offer, accepting. "That's all I ask, James."

Zemo always has a natural inclination to push, and it isn't like to get much better. But he will try to not push so many buttons, all the time. It isn't polite to do to your husband anyway, he supposes.

... But Bucky can expect that the minute they're done with their lunch and out the door, Zemo will be pressing up to him, fitting himself against Bucky as he leans up for a kiss.

It feels like he may have to lean even further up than usual. There's something a little annoying about losing even more height, but it isn't worth ruining the moment over either.

He can imagine most people think Zemo just opening his mouth is dangerous. Bucky doesn't mind listening to Zemo ramble - he actually quite likes his accent and finds the cadence of his voice soothing - but sometimes he has a feeling Zemo uses it to divert and distract rather than actually speak his mind.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. But, if you want to. I'm here. That's all." Heaven forbid Zemo try to use that as an excuse to get Bucky to talk more.

One thing that Bucky is definitely much more open to is public displays of affection and that much becomes obvious when he slides his metal arm around behind the small of Zemo's back, holding his new body with strange and interesting curves up against his hard edges, raised thumb rubbing across a couple inches of Zemo's lower back as vibranium fingers curl into bunched up fabric. It doesn't seem to bother him much, tipping his head to the left and leaning down a little more than usual, breathing Zemo in and being a little more mindful not to bite.

"Mmmh..." Man, that cologne. It's enough to make a distracted man forget to keep walking.

He wouldn't be wrong, necessarily. It's useful in many situations, to disarm people or distract them. It's easier to talk about anything other than what truly keeps him up at night or wakes him in a sweat. He's rather certain Bucky can understand that at least.

And he doesn't miss the eagerness that he's met with when it comes to affection. The firm press of metal at his back, the way that he keeps him pressed in or leans his face into his neck. It's not something he'd expect Bucky to do in his usual body, and it's not something he's necessarily certain how to feel about in this body.

But Bucky is very warm, very solid against him. Inviting. There's an almost contented sigh before he huffs out a soft laugh. "James... Well, I suppose I don't have to worry whether or not you're attracted to me like this."

If the way he seems perfectly content as he is is anything to go by at least. "But we should try to make it to the car first at least."

It's not... as weird as Bucky thought it would have been. It's different, sure, but it's not weird. He's a little reluctant to let go of Zemo but he does since they can't really walk to the car stumbling around like that.

"You could have woken up as a frog this morning and I'd still keep you," he jokes, letting his hand fall away as he gets the door for Zemo before making his way around to the driver's seat, slipping in quietly. They're just stopped on the side of the street, not in a proper carpark, so it's not so discreet to just start making out in the car - not that that thought had ever crossed his mind, of course... - but it does feel a little bit more like a disgusting honeymoon when he tries to contain a laugh sitting in next to Zemo, checking the mirrors before glancing over at Zemo again.

"So. Mall?"

Zemo-- may be enjoying the extra attention, the openness. That's certainly new, in public, and no accompanying complaints that he's just being horny either. He scoots a bit closer when they're both in the car, leaning in to brush a kiss along Bucky's jaw playfully.

"Yes, the mall." Even if it is rather tempting to suggest someone more private. "We could skip the steakhouse later," he suggests after a moment.

"There is a drive-in theatre in town." There will be questionable food there, and likely questionably terrible movies, but it is a little more private. Plenty of excuses to sit close for warmth though, even if they offer little heaters for it.

"You wanna do a drive-in theatre?" Bucky asks with a small laugh. Honestly he's not that familiar with the format - there was one in New York before the war, but it was one of those things that really boomed and then subsequently declined in popularity while he was the Winter Soldier. But he's aware of how they work and what's involved and he's pleasantly surprised Zemo would choose that over a steakhouse.

"Okay. Well let's see how the day goes." Having several ideas for spending the evening is better than none. Regardless of whether they end up at the theatre or at the steakhouse, Zemo should expect that Bucky's going to order trash either way.

The other mall is only a short drive away and thankfully Zemo doesn't spend the entire drive trying to distract Bucky. It also has a JCPenney but a few different stores, so they don't have to see the same or similar things twice.

"Okay, okay," Bucky discourages gently with something that sounds suspiciously like a giggle. "We can't make out while I'm driving."

"I do." It's maybe a bit silly, but it's very... date-like and there's nothing wrong with ordering trash once in a while, Zemo supposes.

And the mall gives them a chance to pick up a blanket or two to share while they watch their movies, too.

"I suppose not." There's an exaggerated sigh at Bucky's protests, followed by a bit of a laugh as Zemo relents, lets Bucky drive in peace without distracting kisses. "And I don't want to wreck by distracting you with anything else I could content my mouth with..."

Although when they're out of the car, Zemo may be... taking a bit more advantage of his current state, taking Bucky's hand to hold like any other married couple out there. It's really Bucky's fault for encouraging it and not considering that Zemo is a bit shameless. "You need new clothes. And we really should replace that phone of yours... perhaps with something a little more modern, even."

That would be a terrible way to go, wouldn't it? And it'd be all Zemo's fault.

Bucky gives Zemo's hand a light squeeze. It feels a little strange - they don't really hold hands, and on the few occasions they do touch, they don't fit together like this - but after a couple of experimental angles, they seem to fit together alright.

"Why do I need new clothes?" he asks with a raised eyebrow. "Apart from the fact that you like to dress me up..."

And is a modern phone going to be a good idea? It just makes him easier to track if somebody really puts their mind to finding him. Besides, the battery will be flat half the time. He barely remembered to charge his old one. He also knows very little about keeping himself safe online which might come around to bite them in the ass later.

"I like the clicky buttons..."

Why would it be all Zemo's fault? Surely Bucky would hold some of the responsibility here.

"Because you should have more than three outfits," Zemo declares. He knows Bucky wants to be able to travel light, but they are settled for the present and foreseeable future. Surely he can make some exceptions? "And you look nice dressed up."

There's a roll of his eyes as he looks back at Bucky's protest. He'd push more, insist on a more modern phone, but Bucky has been very considerate and pliant today. Maybe Zemo can give on his one. "Fine, we will find one with clicky buttons."

They should have some -- likely intended for the elderly, but ah well.

It's been a very long time since he's walked hand-in-hand with another person. It's a bit of a novelty now -- one that he's rather enjoying for the moment, even if it isn't something that is typical for them. "Is there anything else you would like to look at while we're here?"

They do, at least, have a small place to get coffee inside -- which Zemo already seems to be eyeing for later.

"I have more than three outfits." He has one whole fancy suit. T-shirt and jeans. Long sleeve shirt and khakis. And...

And. Does. Shirtless and boxer briefs count? It'll be five with the swimming trunks...

"I'm sure the mobile shop will have one. Otherwise there's plenty of hunting and fishing stores." It's still in use by people who frequently go out into the wilderness, considering they won't get a good enough signal for a smartphone and they'll have trouble finding opportunities and places to charge it.

"I'm alright," he insists, keeping his left hand in his pocket while holding onto Zemo's in his right. "I was just thinking of something for Steve, and Oeznik." Steve is easier to shop for. He'd likely love to rip into a catnip toy, and it's probably time for a proper scratching post. A cat bed's probably a bad idea, if nothing else because it will just become Bucky's pillow when he wants to sleep on the floor and Steve will never roost in it.

Oeznik's a little harder to shop for, but Zemo is probably better at buying things for the old man.

Shirtless and boxer briefs isn't an outfit...

But the mention of Bucky wanting to get things for their other two housemates certainly earns a bit of a smile. "We can do that."

Steve would probably enjoy a proper cat tree to play on -- and maybe that would deter him from taking his boredom out on any pieces of unfortunate furniture.

Oeznik -- well, Zemo can think of a few things the old man may find enjoyable. New books, perhaps. Something gourmet and expensive from one of the candy shops or a proper bottle of wine, perhaps. They'll find something to offset any potential horror of the boardshorts.

... And the shock at seeing how Zemo currently looks later. "With any luck, Oeznik can handle seeing our current predicament... It would be terrible to give too bad of a shock to his system."

That's his pajamas. It counts as an outfit.

Bucky was just thinking of a small little scratching post, but maybe Zemo's going to go all out with a full setup that even looks like a tree in the corner of the sun room with various platforms and enclosures to make Steve more comfortable. In more or less the same way that Bucky wanted to buy Oeznik four pillows.

"Well I-- could warn him first that something's happened to you... but he might think it's a lot worse than this." Maybe it is better to just rip off the band-aid and walk into the kitchen together like this. It's not like either of them have an explanation for what's happened - they're just. Trying to deal with it in their own way.

Of course Zemo is going to go all out -- doesn't he always? And as much as he complains about Steve, he doesn't seem to mind spoiling him a bit at all, or allowing the menace into his bed when he wants to be.

He wrinkles his nose at the offer and shakes his head. "I'm sure if you tell him that, he'll be expecting me to walk in without a limb or something."

On the other hand-- "It may ease his worry to see that isn't the case, at least."

But no, neither of them have an explanation or a clear plan of action yet. There's no possible way he can avoid Oeznik for days without the old man growing suspicious. He huffs out a sigh. "But either way, he's going to be startled. We certainly were."

A case could be made that they spoil Steve more than Bucky does, despite how much Bucky seems to enjoy rolling around on the floor, carrying Steve around, giving him belly rubs and food from the dinner table. Not that Zemo needs to be jealous, since he gets almost as many smiles and chuckles out of Bucky these days as Steve does.

"Maybe we could find something for him and you could give it to him personally and. Just talk about it. If he wants to talk." Maybe they'll both be wrong and Oeznik will just take one look at Zemo and take it all in his stride. And make it seem like Bucky and Zemo are the ones overreacting to this.

Who knows, maybe Oeznik will throw a bigger shitfit over the boardshorts with the hibiscus on the side than Zemo walking into the kitchen looking like this without any explanation whatsoever.

It's possible he won't show much of a reaction at all, or he'll give Zemo that subtle shaming talk of being reckless the way only a person who has practically raised you can really accomplish. But that's a worry for later. Right now? Right now, Zemo is leading the way to shops that catch his interest or seem as if they'll have what they're looking for.

Pet shop first, then a few other places to round out their list. It's been a very long time since they've gone out properly shopping, and even longer since Zemo hasn't had to double check that any look that seems to linger too long isn't going to be an issue down the road.

Well, at least for himself. Bucky could still draw some rather unwanted attention. Wouldn't it be terribly awkward if Sam were to show up like this? Part of Zemo wonders if he'd fall for an American accent and some very uncharacteristic giggling and go on his way.

He'd rather not test that one out though. "We should get a coffee before we go as well..."

Of course, Zemo wants to get the real tree into the sun room with a built in scratching post, and Bucky's not going to complain about giving Steve something more realistic to perch in. Steve will probably annoy him the whole time he's trying to assemble it, but maybe he'll take to it more than he will to the bespoke furniture that Oeznik keeps having to chase him off of.

"Yeah we can have coffee there." Yes, they still run the risk of Bucky getting recognised, but in an independently owned cafe in Wyoming with a hundred different types of beans sitting at the same table as a brunette lady friend? Even Sam would think that it was a case of mistaken identity and not bother coming out this far to see for himself.

"You're going to miss this," Bucky points out quietly with a small smile. He can see Zemo getting comfortable already, the way other people started noticing when Bucky started getting comfortable outside in crowds when he was still more Winter Soldier than just Bucky.

Of course the cat tree has to be aesthetically pleasing. Oeznik would frown too much if they bought something that wasn't -- and Steve will likely enjoy this more anyway. He's rather used to being outside before they took him in.

And Zemo's rather enjoying the coffee shop. It smells nice, there are only a few others around, and-- well, it should be relatively private while they drink. The comment has him looking over though, thoughtful. "Perhaps a bit, but-- I knew when I set out, what sort of life I was making for myself."

And it wasn't going to be a peaceful one in any sense of the word. "You'll miss a doting wife, won't you?"

"I'll miss doing this, with you." Which is not sidestepping the question, per se, but he doesn't want Zemo to feel like this is absolutely the best thing to have happened to him and they should strive to maintain this new normal. Much as it provides a few trappings they could easily get caught up in.

"Every time we make a trip to Walmart I'd be watching everyone in the vicinity, trying to shield you from any raised phones pointed our way, eavesdropping to make sure nobody's talking about me, or you. I can't even buy a gallon of milk without being paranoid and it's exhausting," he admits quietly.

"We can just have coffee here and talk and. Do stuff." He's referring to disgustingly wholesome husband and wife stuff, not butt stuff. "And nobody cares."

He may not be intentionally trying to make Zemo feel like that, but -- he vaguely does anyway. Or at least feels guilty in a way he doesn't usually stop to allow himself when Bucky says it's exhausting. It is. Of course it is. As much as they want to settle down and be left alone for a bit, there's always the risk they may not be allowed it for long.

"We can," he agrees after a moment.

... Although he would absolutely still do butt stuff as well, but he's rather sure that's not what Bucky is referring to. "It has its perks, being like this."

Strange as it is.

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